Today

Today was a bad day. I have bad days sometimes. I don't talk about them, they conveniently happen when I am by myself for most of the day so I don't have to talk about them. My bad days stem from memories...I have some that aren't so pleasant and I'm afraid they will forever haunt me.

I had a conversation today with someone that struck a nerve. I don't know why really, it's never happened before. I've remembered and been upset about things on my own before, but never just from talking. It's been 5 years...5 years and I can still sob until my entire body aches, until I make myself sick because I can't stop crying. You know that gut-wrenching pain from sorrow? It's an awful feeling if you aren't familiar with it. It takes something that cuts into the very core of your being, tears you apart, leaving you forever scarred no matter how much time passes. You heal eventually, but the wound is so deep it takes a period of time, an unknown period of time unfortunately.

I don't cry, not often at least. I shed a tear every now and then, sure, but only a handful of people have ever seen me truly cry. Today I cried...really cried. I cried until I had no more tears, my heart ached, unbearably ached to the point where I was in physical pain. I cried like that for most of the afternoon, remembering things and realizing that it hurts just as much...just as much as it always has, despite the amount of time that has gone by. I don't deal with things, I force myself to quit thinking about what has past and try to forget it ever happened. I used to deal with things in a deconstructive way...I came the closest I've come in a few years to going back to that today. I got out of the house, went to the gym...swam for an hour, came home and felt a bit better. It's still bothering me though, the hold that is still there, the power that he still has over me..."If I can't have you no one can." He's won in a way. Hurt me in every imaginable way...broken me, brought on numerous insecurities and fears, took away my power to accept what I've always wanted...to believe that it really exists: Love, real love. You know, the kind where you know as long as you have that person nothing else in the world matters? It's because they are your world. That kind of love. I'm capable of loving someone in that way, wholly and completely, but to accept that love in return? I don't know how to do that...I don't know how to let love in, to be vulnerable, I've lost that ability. I feel like I'm being unfair, letting someone love me in that way, but not being able to really accept it. Part of me thinks I should never marry because of what's happened, but then...he really will win, and I don't want that either.

Am I just being selfish? Would I be selfish if I let someone marry me? Or is it more selfish to be the burden to someone as I go through the torturous healing process? Do I pick up the scattered pieces that are left and try and piece them back together as best I can...I don't know if I can hold it together on my own, I've done it for so long and I still fall apart. No one sees that though, I won't let him win there...no one sees my brokenness, no one sees me suffer. The anguish, unbearable and excruciating pain...agony...no one sees that, I won't let them.

How does a damaged person accept love?