South Dakota

So much for being better about updating this thing. I've succeeded in one post a month since I made that decision...hmmm, it's a start I suppose.

I am back in SD and hating it, well...maybe hate is a strong word, I just prefer Chicago. Big city life grew on me a lot, and Chicago is my big city of choice and I've been to a lot of them, so I think I am able to make an educated decision. Perhaps someday I will get to live there again, I think I would like that. But I also know that God has His own ideas/plans in mind so I have to be willing to accept that it may never happen, which is okay as long as I get to be with Alex. He's more important to me than some big city :-) My cat did not like the long drive here from Chicago. She got better as we went along, but I think I am going to sedate her for the trip to CA just so she can sleep and be relaxed instead of stressing out and shedding everywhere. I'm excited to live in a place where a real piano exists so I can play more regularly again. It'll be SO nice. Not to mention I get to see my boyfriend everyday, which will be a new experience as well, but I think it will be a good one :-D I officially became a SD resident again as of yesterday. Our license's are nicer than the IL ones. Not to mention we don't have a state income tax, there are perks to being from here.

This weekend is my hometown's centennial celebration. My grandpa is going to be the centennial king as he is the oldest living male in my town, which is kind of neat I suppose. There will be the typical small town festivities, at least typical for a town like ours...rodeos and a tractor pull, a carnival of course, and even a parade. I'll get to see old "friends" who I haven't talked to or kept up with since I went to college, and we'll all superficially care about each other's lives just for this weekend. Yeah, it's going to be great.

Weddings and things

The wedding season has begun! My best friend got married last weekend, a bit surreal and crazy (I was the maid-of-honor, so I was busy!) but it was great. I had never been to a wedding with a date before, my boyfriend was able to come because he was singing in the wedding with me. I decided I liked being at a wedding "with" someone, you have a guaranteed dance partner and someone to keep you company as well. Weddings are a good place to learn how you want to do your own wedding, what you want and don't want, need and don't need...it gives you a good basis for your own future, if marriage is in your future that is. I maintain that I would be perfectly happy as a single person, but being married has its perks I am sure.

I am moving to California. A bit of a change from my mid-west life that I've grown to love, particularly this city (Chicago for those of you who are clueless, if you are you shouldn't even be reading this). I don't want to move, but...it's either move or lose the person I love most, and I think moving is a pretty small sacrifice given the latter choice. It's coming up soon, too soon. June 12 is my last day of work and I'm hoping to be packed and ready to leave on the 13 or the 14...but hopefully the 13. I'll be home for 2 weeks to spend time with my family and then Alex will be flying to SD to drive with me all the way to where he lives in CA. A long drive, I'm grateful I don't have to make it alone and even more grateful that I get to make it with him. I decided today that I'm not ready, but I have to make myself be ready. I know I will be happy once I'm there, but I don't think I am looking forward to it as much as I initially was. It's a big deal, and it's really happening, which is more scary than I had thought it would be...an excited, nervous sort of fear, but still scary regardless. I love him, more than anything, and it will be okay...it's what God wants and what will be the best for both of us. I just have to keep telling myself this.

A brighter today

God amazes me. I could leave this post at that, because it pretty much sums up everything that I've been feeling over the past 24 hours. He is incredible and I am grateful He is so gracious in reminding me of this simple fact.

My life is so different, different from even yesterday. My past doesn't matter anymore, what has happened has happened. I have gleaned wisdom from those experiences, but they will not control me in my future. They have shaped who I am and allowed me to develop as a person, but their hold on my life has vanished...and it's all because of God. I am so excited about my life now, it is so great :-D

Today

Today was a bad day. I have bad days sometimes. I don't talk about them, they conveniently happen when I am by myself for most of the day so I don't have to talk about them. My bad days stem from memories...I have some that aren't so pleasant and I'm afraid they will forever haunt me.

I had a conversation today with someone that struck a nerve. I don't know why really, it's never happened before. I've remembered and been upset about things on my own before, but never just from talking. It's been 5 years...5 years and I can still sob until my entire body aches, until I make myself sick because I can't stop crying. You know that gut-wrenching pain from sorrow? It's an awful feeling if you aren't familiar with it. It takes something that cuts into the very core of your being, tears you apart, leaving you forever scarred no matter how much time passes. You heal eventually, but the wound is so deep it takes a period of time, an unknown period of time unfortunately.

I don't cry, not often at least. I shed a tear every now and then, sure, but only a handful of people have ever seen me truly cry. Today I cried...really cried. I cried until I had no more tears, my heart ached, unbearably ached to the point where I was in physical pain. I cried like that for most of the afternoon, remembering things and realizing that it hurts just as much...just as much as it always has, despite the amount of time that has gone by. I don't deal with things, I force myself to quit thinking about what has past and try to forget it ever happened. I used to deal with things in a deconstructive way...I came the closest I've come in a few years to going back to that today. I got out of the house, went to the gym...swam for an hour, came home and felt a bit better. It's still bothering me though, the hold that is still there, the power that he still has over me..."If I can't have you no one can." He's won in a way. Hurt me in every imaginable way...broken me, brought on numerous insecurities and fears, took away my power to accept what I've always wanted...to believe that it really exists: Love, real love. You know, the kind where you know as long as you have that person nothing else in the world matters? It's because they are your world. That kind of love. I'm capable of loving someone in that way, wholly and completely, but to accept that love in return? I don't know how to do that...I don't know how to let love in, to be vulnerable, I've lost that ability. I feel like I'm being unfair, letting someone love me in that way, but not being able to really accept it. Part of me thinks I should never marry because of what's happened, but then...he really will win, and I don't want that either.

Am I just being selfish? Would I be selfish if I let someone marry me? Or is it more selfish to be the burden to someone as I go through the torturous healing process? Do I pick up the scattered pieces that are left and try and piece them back together as best I can...I don't know if I can hold it together on my own, I've done it for so long and I still fall apart. No one sees that though, I won't let him win there...no one sees my brokenness, no one sees me suffer. The anguish, unbearable and excruciating pain...agony...no one sees that, I won't let them.

How does a damaged person accept love?

It's about time...

I am going to make a resolution (not a New Year's one-after all, February is almost over) to try and be better about updating this thing...so life update and then some thoughts is what this post will entail.

My roommate got a job at the Art Institute here in Chicago. I'm super excited for her (and for the free perks that I will benefit from!!). We also took a Latin dance class. It was super great and our teacher seemed to think we did an "awesome job," which is fun for us. We learned the salsa and the cha cha, both of which are great and fairly simple. We also learned the merengue, rhumba, and the tango. It was a lot of fun and I am looking forward to taking a couple more classes at the end of March. As far as my job goes, I'm still working at the same place for now, nothing new to report there really. In other news: I am the newest member in the Oakton Community College Jazz Ensemble. They needed a pianist and so I applied and got in, hooray. It's been okay so far, they've all been playing together for an entire semester already, so I feel sort of behind, but I'm hoping that will pass. It will be alright, we've only rehearsed together 4 times...I'm still trying to get the feel of the group, but hopefully that will come soon. That's the most recent stuff, how about some other things that have occured over the past couple of months...

I went home for 5 days during the Christmas holidays! My flight was sort of a nightmare, but I ended up making it home and spending some good quality time with my family, even though it was too short. Alex came to visit me in Chicago during the holidays, the longest span of time we've spent in person together. It was a good visit and it was nice to have him around for so long.

On to other news! The kittens: are growing so fast! :-( They are still adorable, but they are no longer little anymore. Manny is probably up to about 7 1/2 pounds, and Raja weighs around 6. They are almost 5 months old and have managed to learn to love people. Raja in particular loves attention and chirps constantly when you are ignoring her. Manny enjoys his space but he still likes having people around. Strangers are still terrifying for them and they don't like our intercom, but for some reason they both have this weird obsession with the bathtubs and water. We haven't really figured it out other than assuming they are freaks, but it's okay, cats have weird quirks.

My best friend is getting married in 2 1/2 months, I'm the maid-of-honor so I've been helping (sort of) with wedding stuff. She lives out in the burbs, but I've seen her quite a bit over the past month which has been great. Her getting married makes me ponder things in my own life...but I will probably leave that for another post.

That's about it really...so the thoughts didn't come in this post, the life update was long enough. I'll just keep you all in suspense until next time...