Chicago and things

So I said pictures would come once I've moved into my new place... Well I've been living in my new place for about 2 weeks, but I do not have internet on my computer so I'm using my roommate's until we have our own internet.  Her computer is able to pick up many wireless signals, mine doesn't.  Point being, pictures won't happen until we have our own internet connection.  I could upload pictures to her computer, but rather than do that you all can just be patient until I can do it on my own comp.  Deal with it!  I also have a job, but will elaborate more on that story later.

I spent this past weekend visiting my college roommate.  She is recently engaged and her mom was throwing her and her fiancee an engagement party.  Since I am the maid-of-honor it was natural that I be there, and she doesn't live too far outside of Chicago so it was an easy trip to make.  It was quite a fun weekend and I really enjoyed my time spent there.  Her house is always a great place to visit and I'm treated like family so it's pretty awesome.  

The weekend brought mostly discussion of weddings and that sort of thing.  I can't say that I don't understand why people want to get married, I do.  What I don't get is all of the time and energy that is spent putting into this one day of your life, especially when nowadays, a lot of people go through this "one day" multiple times due to divorce or other circumstances.  Sure, a wedding is supposed to be what every girl wants, but not every girl has spent her entire life planning what her wedding day will be like or even wants to get married!  Society seems to think those girls are "abnormal," but are they?  I, for one, don't think so.  Love sucks and from what I've witnessed, marriage is no picnic either.  My own experience makes me biased in this regard, but I have yet to be shown/proven otherwise.  Love, in the romantic sense of course, has either ended up being a lie or a cheat (which also is lying, but not all of my liars have been cheaters).  I have more than just one example, there's actually a good amount of evidence I can give to support my opinion in this matter.  *Disclaimer: I don't feel sorry for myself and pity parties don't do anyone any good.  I'm merely stating what I know to be true in this regard.  I'm not looking for advice and/or sympathy, so please don't try to be "helpful"*  

People can say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  But when you have poured your heart and soul into someone, trusting and opening yourself up to them wholeheartedly, and you lose that...I don't really believe I'm "better" because of that.  I think I could have been a much happier person had I never experienced it.  Sure, you gain wisdom and grow as a person, but is it really worth it?  I haven't been able to justify it thus far in my life and it's only caused issues for me personally when in other relationships, being dating or friendship.  I've watched marriages fall apart because people just "fall out of love" or "grow apart."  Did they really love each other to begin with or was it something that both of them just wanted so badly they convinced themselves they were in love with each other, only to realize later that they were just in love with the idea of being "in love."  I think if you tell yourself something for a long enough period of time, you start to believe it as truth, even though it may very well not be.  People use the word "love" so flippantly.  It is such a powerful word, one that should never be taken lightly.  It causes many different emotions, from complete bliss and joy to utter turmoil and despair.  The fact that God gave us this ability and power to share with other human beings is beyond my comprehension.  That being said, it is not a word that I use unless truly meant, (this applies only to people, my "love" of chocolate is on a completely different level).  Hence the reason why love has caused so much pain in my life, whether it be romantic or platonic, (I know there are latin words for those types of love, I thought I would stick to vocabulary that is easily interpreted).  The pain I've experienced has led to fear of love, whether it's loving other people or accepting that love myself.  It's something that I struggle with and don't readily give or accept, perhaps this is a good thing since it keeps me "safe" but I'm not sure that is what love is about.  Love, any kind of love, is more than just a feeling, it's a choice.  It is a terrible and wonderful thing all at the same time.  You can choose to love someone and risk the danger of losing them or causing you a broken heart, or you can choose to not love someone and keep yourself from that pain and anguish, but you may be missing out on what could be an incredible friendship or in some cases, a future life partner.  It's a tricky balance and is not an easy choice, no matter what the situation, whether it be friendship, family, or a relationship, you can't know where love will take you once you decide to love someone.  You can only make the choice and decide to stick with it, no matter what.  There is a line in the movie Love and Other Disasters that puts it quite well, "True love is...a decision to take a chance with somebody, to give to somebody without worrying whether they'll give anything back or if they're going to hurt you or if they really are the one.  Maybe love isn't something that happens to you, maybe it's something you have to choose."  In this instance, the character was obviously referring to romantic love, but with the exception of worrying about whether that person is "the one" those things can apply to all types of love.  

Funny how this blog was going to be about how anti-love I am...perhaps I'm not as biased as I thought myself to be.  Either that, or I'm a hopeless optimist which could be translated into a complete fool I suppose, who knows?